Have you ever felt overwhelming anxiety? A panic attack? Worried that something bad is going to happen to you? Or can’t stop thinking about some painful past event?
What is your normal response to the anxiety, panic attacks, or painful thoughts? The logical response is to try to avoid or fix the anxiety. This can work, up to a point. You can distract yourself by watching TV, having a drink, playing video games, cleaning the house, or so on….yet the pain or worry comes back. You might start to try to change you life to minimize your exposure to the painful feelings, thoughts, or symptoms. Isolate from friend and family so as to not possibly get triggered, not try new things, avoid class, not speak up at work, and/or think constantly be playing out scenarios in your head.
I had one friend who didn’t want to attend their kids 6th grade play (the kid was the lead) because they were worried they might have a panic attack. The last episode they had was 6 months ago. If they stayed home they would be more conformable and less scared of having a panic attack, yet they were missing out on spending important time with their family and supporting their child (which was really important to them). They felt trapped and it felt impossible to them.
We want pleasant things like comfort, joy, happiness, or the absence of pain. Yet we can become trapped in our desire to only feel nice things and avoid pain.
Acceptance is the counter balance to Avoidance and Control. Acceptance is “stepping into” our painful thoughts and feelings, simply letting them be, knowing they will pass, but not trying to fix or control them. In doing so, we reduce the struggle against avoiding pain and suffering (we are going to suffer in life no matter what we do).
There is a great scene in the Simpsons where Homer has a date with Marge and as he is leaving work he tries to get a soda out of a vending machine by sticking his hand up the slot (he has no money). He grabs the soda but his hand is stuck. He ends up getting the other hand stuck in a candy vending machine. He misses his date with Marge and the Fire Dept is called. As the fireman is about to cut off Homers arms to get him out, another worker ask, “are you still holding onto the soda and candy bar?” Homer replies “I might be”. He finally realizes he has to let go and in doing so he is free and can run back home (he missed his date with Marge though).
Much like the candy and soda machine that trapped Homer when he grabbed onto it and would not let go, we can get trapped by trying to avoid or control painful feelings. The more we struggle to only have pleasant feelings and avoid painful feelings, like anxiety, the more we get trapped by them. We miss out on important things in our lives (like going out on a date with our wife, or seeing your kid in a play).
Acceptance is a skills where we work on not fighting or struggling against painful thoughts or feelings. It is not giving in, but instead it is holding our painful feelings and thoughts gently, like you would a scarred puppy. It is trying to non judgmentally step into and notice our thought and feelings for what it is, something that is there in the moment and will pass, but it is a part of us. In the coming weeks I am going to give you more skills and examples of acceptance.
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